While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn't enjoy it. Though they had been married only a few years, he relflected unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland. Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: "What happened, did I hurt you ?"
"Why no, not at all," said his surprised wife. "Whatever made you ask that ?"
"Well, no reason actually," the bored husband replied with a sigh,"It's just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved."

An old married couple were driving down the road one day when suddenly the woman punched her husband right in the face. He shouted, "what the hell was that for?". She replied, "That was for 50 years of the worst sex I ever had!"
As they continued down the road, suddenly the man hit his wife square in the face. She turned to him and said, "what was that for?"
He said, "that, was for knowing the difference.

Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method."
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method."
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."

Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I cannot", lamented the first Arab; "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a genie came oozing out. He said, "I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit." :lol::lol::lol:

All eyes turned to stare as a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her.
"Where's your costume?" he hissed through clenched teeth.
"This is it," she calmly explained. "I came as Adam."
"Adam?" her host exploded. "You don't even have a dick!"
"I just got here, Jeremy," she replied. "Give me a few minutes."

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

A long time resident of San Francisco is packing all his stuff into boxes. His roommate comes in & asks what he's doing.

"I'm leaving !" he replies. "They just made homosexuality legal."

"So why leave now ?" queries his roomie. "Gays have been part of the scene here for years and years."

"Yeah, I know." he replied. "I'm getting the hell out of here before the damn fools make it compulsory."

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says,"Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his Di*k. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

`Doctor, I`ve got this problem,` a man says. `My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over.`

`So what seems to be the problem?` the doctor asked.

`Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac,` the man continued. `I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour everyday at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep.`

`I still don`t know what your problem is,` said the doctor.

`You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells...`

One day a young girl goes to her mom and asks: "Mom where do babies come from?"
Surprised that her daughter is asking a very important question, she replies: "Babies come from the place that a man sticks his ...err penis...'
"OH..." "does that mean the baby will knock out my front teeth?"

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed."What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my di*k you're holding," said Ed.

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are far too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

There were 3 nuns about to paint a church. but right before they started one of the nuns realized that if they got paint on there habits, they couldn't be nuns anymore, so they started to paint naked when suddenly the door rang.
One nun yelled, “who is it?”
The person at the door yelled back, “Its the blind man!”
So they thought that if they opened the door the man wouldn't see them naked because he’s blind.
So they open and the door and the man said, “Hey nice jugs, where do you want your blinds?

Little johnny has a biggest crush on his blonde teacher, one day after his class he goes to her and says, "I really fancy you and wanna be with you."
She gets shocked and says, "Wow that's very flattering and all and to tell you the truth, Well I'm looking for a boyfriend but I really don't want any kid."
He replies, "No problem I will use a condom."